All About Partners
A common question and concern that doulas hear is “how does a doula fit into my birth team if I already have a partner who wants to be there for me?”
Hands-on support is a common way for doulas to help keep clients comfortable and calm.
This is a GREAT question, and like most doula answers, it’s all based on YOUR preferences and where you need us the most. All Align doulas offer two in-person (or virtual, if preferred) prenatal visits to get to know you and your birth team. Ideally your partner and/or other support people will be there too, so we can all get on the same page about goals, fears, expectations, hopes, and preferences.
Even the most supportive and loving partners have minimal experience with childbirth, coping mechanisms, options and alternatives to medical treatment, and what falls under the umbrella of “normal.” Unless you are birthing at home, they also won’t know what tools are available, where to find extra towels and warm blankets, and how to offer helpful suggestions to help you feel in-control and confident when things get intense.
Based on conversations at those prenatal appointments, your doula will fall into place while also staying attentive and responsive as things change or don’t go according to expectations. I have worked with families where the partner wants to be the #1 champion support person - they are ready to give massages, offer supportive words, ask thoughtful questions to the provider, and stand up for what the laboring person wants. In that case, my place is behind that support person, making suggestions (“I’m noticing that she gets tense when you rub her back during contractions - maybe try just steady pressure and start the massage once the contraction has passed”), demonstrating comfort measures such as tailbone counter pressure or a double hip squeeze, filling water bottles and getting ice chips, reassuring the partner that everything is normal so that they can stay calm and supportive, taking over care while the partner naps/rests/eats, etc. The list is never ending!
I have also supported families where the partner knew that labor support was not where they were going to shine. Maybe they aren’t good with bodily fluids, maybe they hate hospitals, or maybe seeing the person they love most go through something so intense makes them so anxious that they will bring the energy of the room way down. With those families I know it’s my role to be right there with the laboring person, looking into their eyes, giving massages, suggesting position changes, helping them ask questions, making sure that the birth team is aware and respectful of their birth preferences, etc. I also make sure that the partner is taken care of so that they can participate in whatever way they can.
For many families, a doula’s role falls between these extremes, shifting around the space wherever they are needed, and taking a step back when they are not needed. During initial consultations partners occasionally struggle to see the need for a doula, and they become some of our biggest champions after the birth!
If you were starting a new sport, craft, or hobby, would you ask your inexperienced partner to be your only coach or instructor? No matter how loud they cheered or how many books they read or internet videos they watched, they would probably not help you achieve your goals in the same way an experienced coach or teacher would. A doula allows your partner to become your teammate, as they coach you both through the empowering and transformative experience of childbirth.
Our doulas offer free one-on-one consultations if you are still unsure if a doula is a good fit for you. We’re more than happy to answer your specific questions and share more about how we can support you.